With nearly a year between my last post and this one, I felt it was time to start blogging again. I do not know if I will be consistent or if another year will pass. Likely, the blog will befall a similar outcome as the journals in my youth- a week of consistency followed by months or years of lulls. And I am ok with that. This has been one of the best years of my life. I probably feel that way every year, but going into this year, knowing I would be entering my late 20s without too much life direction, I was a bit scared. I have always been happy with my life, but feeling fulfilled is another story. In January (of this year) I started thinking about what I wanted out of life and why I was feeling so unfulfilled. I knew work wasn't challenging me, but it was more than that.
For the second time in my life, I found myself with a serious boyfriend, and for the second time in my life, I found myself wondering why we were even dating in the first place. I am very fortunate. I can recall very few (fleeting) moments when I have wanted a boyfriend just to have one. As much as I resisted getting serious with this last one, his persistence paid off. We had been dating close to 8 months when I wrote my last post, but I wasn't falling in love with him. And when I started being more honest with myself, I realized that I didn't think I ever would. Carrie Bradshaw said it best, "I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." Sure, I want to marry my best friend, but I want real love. I found myself thinking I had this amazing friend- the best, but I wasn't falling in love with him. Like I said, at the time, I had no idea why IT wasn't happening. Looking back on it, there were a lot of tiny issues that I chose to "push under the rug." My mother was right when she said that the longer you are with someone, those subtle things are magnified.
So, I made a list of all (some) of the things I wanted to accomplish. I had always toyed with the idea of law school, and I realized that my work was probably flexible enough to allow me to go to night/part-time school. When I broached the subject with the boy, what did he say, "why would you want to do that? That will take up 'our' time together. I don't think you are someone who would want to do that." And it was in that moment that I knew we could never work out.
I am a person who thrives on a busy schedule. Give me nothing to do for a day and I will be overwhelmed by that nothing. Give a day to fit in going to the gym, work, class, HH drinks, and I will do it all happily and easily.
So, the week before I was scheduled to jet off to Cancun, I went home to visit with my parents. I felt more at peace there than I had in a long time. I realized that I had begun to dread hanging out with the boy rather than look forward to it.
I really struggled with our break up because I knew it would be right before my trip with his family, but my dad, the best adviser there is on the planet, told me that it would be more fair to do it before the trip. The following Wednesday I had every intention of driving straight to the boy's place to tell him, but he called me on my way home from work and it came spilling out. He was silent and very shocked. I will never forgive myself for breaking up with him over the phone instead of face-to-face.
Anyway, that was back in February, and I am sure he has moved on. I certainly have. I applied to a few law schools VERY last minute- only a few days before the rolling admission deadlines closed. Rolling admission means that students are admitted on a first come, first served basis. Usually, you have to be a very strong applicant to be admitted last minute because a lot of schools have their quotas filled by then. I was not a very strong applicant, but eh, I squeaked by- they say the evening program is easier to get into anyway.
Well, I'm in and in the midst of finals and LOVING it. I signed up for my first marathon in March of next year and am about 4 weeks into training. I am loving it all.
Turning 28 next May is very scary, but I feel very lucky to be loving my life and living in the moment.
Until next time...
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